What Science Teaches Us About Friendship
- Zeyda Broers
- 5 hours ago
- 4 min read
Recently, I listened to a powerful podcast episode from the TED Audio Collective called “Am I Normal? — How many friends do I need?” by data journalist Mona Chalabi.
It’s an exploration of friendship, connection, and what the science of relationships can teach us about building a fulfilling social life, along with the research and insights behind it and what they mean for anyone trying to build (or rebuild) a sense of community.
Here are my key takeaways from this podcast episode:
Most of us understand that community is important.
But very few of us know exactly why it matters so deeply, or what’s happening beneath the surface when friendships shift, fade, or flourish.
The question is: how many relationships should we maintain, and what kinds of friendships do we need anyway?
1. We Often Feel Lonely, Not Because We Have “No Friends,” But Because We Have the "not-quite-right mix" of Friends
One of the most surprising insights from the podcast came from sociologist William Rawlins, who explains that friendships serve three main functions:
Someone to have fun with
Someone to talk to
Someone to depend on
Most people don’t need dozens of friends — they need a balanced mix of these three types.
Many of us have “dependable” friends who show up in crisis but are too busy for spontaneity.
Others have fun friends but lack emotional support.
When the balance is off, we feel lonely, even if we’re not alone.
This is where broadening your social circle becomes powerful: it naturally gives you a wider range of people who meet different social and friendship needs.
2. Our Social Circles Are Structured in Layers — And They Change Over Time
A note here on the work of evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, famous for Dunbar’s Numbers, and what he's learned from studying social relationships for 50 years:
Humans can realistically maintain about 150 relationships at once — but they’re not all equal.
Dunbar’s research describes concentric circles of closeness:
1–2 people: deepest emotional bonds
5 people: intimate friends
15 people: close friends
50 people: good friends
150 people: general social network
500+: acquaintances
These layers shift constantly throughout our lives.
Friendships move inward… outward… sometimes disappear… and sometimes reappear years later.
Shifts are normal — but they can also feel unsettling.
Meeting new people helps because it replenishes your outer layers, giving your inner layers room to grow naturally.
3. Friendships Need Time (A Lot of It)
Research shows that it takes around 200 hours over about three months to turn someone from a casual contact into a “good friend.”
Social connection is built through repeated, low-stakes interactions.
Friendships need a steady rhythm of connection in order to deepen.
It’s the weekly coffee meet-ups, the shared activities, the familiar faces — not big dramatic gestures — that create genuine bonds.
And not everyone gets the chance to become your best friend.
4. Digital Contact Slows “Friendship Decay,” But It Doesn’t Stop It
Another important point: online communication is helpful, but it’s not enough.
Dunbar’s research shows that:
Messages, group chats, and calls act like a bandage — they slow down the weakening of a friendship. But only in-person connection resets the relationship fully.
Humans regulate trust, empathy, and emotional closeness through physical presence: showing up matters for friendships — even if it’s once a month.
5. You’re Not “Bad at Friendship.” You’re Human.
One of the most compassionate insights from the podcast is this:
Shifts in closeness, energy, and availability are part of the natural rhythm of adult life.
You’re not broken or have failed if your friendships have changed.
Investing more time and energy in your social network can serve you by giving you:
more opportunities to meet people at different life stages
a sense of belonging that doesn’t depend on one person
more chances for friendships to evolve organically
6. Mapping Your Social Circles Can Be Transformative
In the podcast, Mona mentions a simple exercise that you can try yourself:
Draw a set of circles & place the initials of people in your life in different layers based on your closeness.
It’s not about judgment — it’s about clarity.
This exercise helps you notice:
Who truly supports you
Who you have fun with
Who energizes you
Who drains you
Where you want to invest more time
Where you might want to gently let go
Often, the feeling of loneliness isn’t there because we have no friends.
It’s because the types of connections we need are missing from the mix.
Social networking can help you find the right people to rebuild those missing layers.
7. Community Is Not a Luxury — It’s a Human Need
When you put all the research together, a clear truth appears:
Humans are wired for connection.
We need connection for emotional health, physical wellbeing, motivation, identity, and even longevity.
Building community isn’t about becoming an extrovert or collecting contacts.
Human connection doesn’t happen by accident. It happens one small, steady interaction at a time.
It’s about creating the conditions where supportive, energising, meaningful connections can form naturally — and sustain us through the different seasons of life.
If you’re looking for ways to expand your social circles, rebuild confidence, or simply show up in a place where people are kind, curious, and open, our community gatherings are a great place to start. Check our homepage for our upcoming events
And, if you’d like to listen to the podcast that inspired this post, here it is:
Podcast: “Am I Normal? — How many friends do I need?” by Mona Chalabi.
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