Why Going Beyond Small Talk Might Be Easier Than You Think

Most of us want deeper connection — with neighbours, friends, new people we meet, even colleagues.

But in daily life, it’s easy to stay at the surface:“How was your week?”“Busy.”“Same.”

So here’s a surprising idea from psychology:

Closeness doesn’t only happen by chance.

It can be intentionally created — through the right kind of conversation.

One of the most well-known examples is what people often call “The 36 Questions Experiment.”

Where it came from

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues published a study describing a “closeness induction” procedure: pairs of people (often strangers) spend about 45 minutes doing structured conversation tasks designed to escalate gradually in personal depth.

Over time, this work became popularly associated with a set of 36 questions, organized into three sets that move from light to more personal.

How it became famous (and the love story everyone mentions)

Years later, writer Mandy Len Catron popularized the questions in a New York Times Modern Love essay (“To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This”, published January 11, 2015).

In her story, she describes trying the questions as a way to accelerate intimacy. People understandably ran with the headline.

And yes: Catron later married the person from that story — but importantly, this is one highly visible, well-documented example, not proof that the questions reliably “create love.” (They married on May 3, 2025, according to reporting.)

So if you’ve ever wondered “How many people got married because of this?” — there isn’t an official count.

The research wasn’t designed to track marriage outcomes, and the media versions tend to amplify romance because it’s a great story.

The real takeaway is bigger (and more useful):

These questions can help people feel closer — whether or not romance is involved.

What’s happening psychologically (in simple terms)

Here’s why this tends to work better than “just chatting.”

1) Gradual self-disclosure builds trust

Connection grows when people share more than facts and logistics — but it needs to happen gradually. The questions are sequenced to create a gentle ramp: not “Tell me your deepest wound” on minute one, but a slow progression.

2) Reciprocity creates safety

Both people answer. That matters.

It avoids the “interview” dynamic where one person reveals everything and the other stays protected. Reciprocity creates balance and reduces social risk.

3) Focused attention is bonding

In real life, we talk while half-checking our phones, scanning the room, or thinking about what to say next. The structure encourages presence. Feeling fully listened to is one of the fastest routes to feeling close.

4) Meaning comes from shared reflection

Small talk is useful — it helps us test the waters.But the moment you share values, hopes, regrets, or what you actually care about, the conversation becomes memorable. That “I feel like I know you” sensation often comes from meaning, not time.

How to Do the 36 Questions (Properly)

If you’re curious to try this experiment yourself, here is how it was originally designed by Arthur Aron and his research team at Stony Brook University.

Step 1: Choose Your Partner Intentionally

Identify someone with whom you’d like to become closer.

This could be:

• A new acquaintance

• A friend you want to deepen connection with

• A colleague

• A family member

• A romantic partner

Despite its reputation in popular media, this exercise is not only about romance. It works with anyone — as long as both people are comfortable sharing personal thoughts and feelings.

Mutual willingness matters.

Step 2: Set Aside 20–45 Minutes

Choose a time when:

• You can meet in person

• You won’t be interrupted

• Phones are put away

• You both have the emotional capacity to engage

Presence is part of the experiment.

Step 3: Divide the Time Into Three Equal Parts

The structure is important.

First third → Set I

Take turns asking and answering the questions from Set I.

Each person answers every question.Alternate who answers first each time.

Second third → Set II

Move on to Set II when the time shifts — even if you haven’t finished all of Set I.

The sets are designed to increase in depth gradually.Spending equal time in each stage ensures balanced vulnerability.

Final third → Set III

Use the remaining time for Set III, following the same system.

These questions are intentionally more personal and reflective.

Optional (Original Study Component)

In the original research procedure, pairs were also asked to maintain four minutes of sustained eye contact at the end.

Many people find this surprisingly powerful — and surprisingly uncomfortable.

That discomfort is often part of the bonding process.

A Few Important Notes

• The goal is not performance.• The goal is not impressing each other.• The goal is mutual curiosity.

If answers start to feel scripted or routine (for example, if you’ve done the questions multiple times), you can create your own sequence that gradually increases in depth.

Research has also shown that couples can do this exercise together, and even two couples can complete it side by side — increasing closeness both within and between the pairs.

Here is the complete, widely shared version of Arthur Aron’s 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness, originally developed by Arthur Aron and colleagues at Stony Brook University.

They are divided into three sets, each gradually increasing in depth.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…" 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Why This Matters (Beyond the Experiment)

Here is the deeper invitation.

Connection does not always require:

• More time

• Bigger gestures

• Dramatic vulnerability

Sometimes it requires:

• Reciprocity

• Attention

• Structure

• A little courage

If we want more meaningful relationships in our neighbourhoods, workplaces, friendships, or communities, we don’t necessarily need perfect chemistry.

We need better questions.

So next time you feel a conversation hovering at the surface, consider experimenting.

You don’t have to ask all 36.

Maybe start with:

• “What would constitute a perfect day for you?”

• “What do you value most in a friendship?”

• “If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality, what would it be?”

See what shifts.

You might discover that going beyond small talk is not as difficult — or as risky — as we assume.

And that meaningful connection is often just one thoughtful question away. 🤗